1/25/2010

I have had only a few people close to me die in my life time. Most times they were older; my great grandmothers, grandfather-they all were sick which sucked but it prepared me. Although you can never really prepare for a death it doesn't catch you off guard as much.

This is the day that I have been dreading since my birthday....A year ago today I got a call from a friend. I was in my dorm room, chatting with my Line Sister and little sister preparing to go to bed because we had our Founder's Day Program later that day. That phone call was the worst call of my life...I was told that my friend Dennis had been shot. I didn't believe them. I remember thinking that there was miscommunication, it wasn't Dennis. I had to be sure. My line sister and I ran to the car and drove to his house...It was like a scene out of a movie but there were no actors. * speechless* The pain that overwhelmed my spirit was an uncontrolled pain of loosing a loved unexpectedly. It was almost out of body...surreal. Usually when something goes wrong my immediate thought is damage control...how can i fix this? Sirens, blue and red flashing lights, yellow caution tape, crowds of people crying...confusion. I was nauseous...numb. My line sisters were there, hugging me and holding me but somehow I still felt very much alone. Praying this was a bad dream or they wrongly identified the body....my God I hoped it wasn't him. I reached for my cell phone and dialed his number....I just knew he was going to pick up and say yeah man this is crazy its not me....I'm on my way to clear to this up; I got his voice mail. I hung up and called again....I got his voice mail. It was all becoming a reality too fast. Days went by and all I had was fond memories of him. Singing Delta and Que chants....our time in the park. He was the first bruh that I greeted! Dennis was so much more than what most people got at face value. Yes he was funny, sarcastic, and loved to have a good time but he was generous, loving, and genuinely good friend. I could him at anytime and he'd be there. Beautiful and inspiring spirit. He killed any misconception that I may have had about men of Omega Psi Phi.

My life wouldn't have been the same I have not met you; my life hasn't been the same since I lost you.

This Blog was the only place I had at this time for comfort. Not my typically blog...but like always it came from heart.

At what point are we good enough? When are we self-improved enough to accept ourselves?

My initial response to these questions was never! With every day being a new opportunity for self improvement, there is always something to change or improve about oneself. But what made me think again was "enough to accept ourselves". In our society that is very hard to do when there are commercials telling you that you’re wrong or how you are living your life isn’t enough. Just when I think I've made an improvement the media says I'm outdated or I'm wrong. Let’s look at this topic on a smaller scale: Cell Phones. I buy a phone today and tomorrow it is outdated. Something "new and improved" (I hate that statement things can't be new and improved it’s either or) is introduced. The new phone is coined as a must have, the commercials and reviews send my mind racing...now I'm counting the days until my next upgrade. Never satisfied.

Unfortunately, this theory of self-improvement and never being satisfied is the foundation of our society. If the media sells the idea of "never being good enough" in commercials, on T.V., in music, in politics, etc. won't we as a nation internalize that idea? Being a nurse isn't good enough- you have to be doctor. Living a middle class life isn't good enough- we must strive to be filthy rich. Why? In education a diploma or Bachelors is no longer enough; a masters or PhD is now the standard. “There is so much emphasis on accomplishment in my culture that concerns me. So much emphasis on the appearance of self-improvement - physical, spiritual, mental.” (Another blogger)

**************************************THINKING***************************************

Average, ethics, the rule, measurement, quality, value, etc. all come to mind when I think of the word STANDARD. Who sets the standard? Whose standard do I live by? Is the standard I live by the same standard by which I being judged?

My answer: You can never satisfy the masses so satisfy yourself! The point at where we are good enough or have self-improved enough to accept ourselves is when we stop comparing ourselves to others and living according to other’s standards. Set goals that make you happy and proud of you. A lot easier said than done of course. It is important to live your own life! Not the life society says you should have, not life your parents want you to have, and definitely not the life of a celebrity or friend. It is okay to admire the drive of someone else or the accomplishments of someone else but that is their life. I admit that I get caught in the hype. I watch MTV Cribs and say that’s the kind of house I want but then I have to ask myself is that the kind of house I need. Everything in life, especially material things, is all relative to your purpose. Knowing your purpose in life can help eliminate failure and help you accept yourself for who you are and who God intended you to be.

For a long time I struggled with trying to be the person my parents wanted me to be. It’s struggle because my parents are my foundation of who I am- my morals and beliefs. Like most black families my parents wanted me to get a good education (whatever that means), surpass their endeavors, and marry a man! I tried to make my parents proud because I love them and I am thankful for things that they instilled in me. However, living under your parents’ roof and believing the words to be concrete or law can hinder growth. It wasn’t until I moved away for college that I was given the space to breathe and figure out who I am and what I want. Figuring out what God wants from me (my purpose) is an on-going process. Fortunately, what I want for me and what my parents want for me are similar. I wanted and continue to further my education, I have done many things my parents have only dreamed of, but I will not marry a man! LOL (That’s a WHOLE nother story!)

Bottom line: Do what works for you; keeping in mind the way you treat someone is the treatment you will receive. Your best is always good enough...just make sure you're doing your Best! And make sure your allow God to be your personal driver.

...::*V I O L A B L A C K*::...

Two Hours and Ten Minutes to Sunrise- My First Hello!

Who Are You? Who Am I?

What Is This Place? Where Are You Going? Where Am I Going?

Questions about you, I can't answer but Welcome to my Dwelling Place...my thoughts, my beliefs, my emotions, my strengths, my weaknesses, my victories, and my happiness.

I feel this strong sense of change coming over me-scratch that I feel a this strong sense of much needed growth taking over, preparing to sit me at the table of AWESOMENESS. This feeling isn't unusual but quite familiar, it is so strong that it doesn't allow me to sleep some days. SMH Images and Ideas envelope my thoughts which should be my dreams but again, I'm not sleep. I don't mind but I often forget a few things, so here is where I will remember. The only downfall...puffy eyes and heavy eye lids tomorrow at work. Should I rethink this.....naw Its Worth IT!

As I raise my fist to knock on the door of next year, there are people and a few things who will be left outside of the door. (1)Tomorrow I get a new a cell phone {For a year and half I was Dare-ing, but now I am excited about tasting the Crack of the Berry...BlackBerry that is. In smoky violet, I'll take a new Curve on life!} If your name and number don't make it through security you will not be able to board my private jet called Life! It was nice to meet you but obviously you weren't producing--take that how you want to. (2) I have baptized 2010 as my year of STRENGTH and PROGRESSION therefore Weakness, Selfishness, Arrogance, Ignorance, Dependency, and Doubt are not invited. Throughout 2009 I made steps to forgive and let go things of the past. Silly me. I was giving away power...that's why my light wasn't shinning as bright! (3) As for everything/everyone else that has wasted time and never had my best interest in mind, no long sentences: Fuck You, Pack Your Shit and GO!!!!

*Ahhhhhh* that feels much better! As much as I hate writing papers, I enjoy blogging. 4 minutes to 5, 4 hours until work, 14 hours until 2010. I'm going bed...hopefully.

*Growing* *Loving* *Smiling*

...::*V I O L A B L A C K*::...